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Wednesday, December 15, 2010
My health
I am only 39 years old. I still consider that to be fairly young. More than likely it is because I am praying I live to be very, very old. Plus, I am just starting my life with Bill and I want to make sure I have lots and lots of years to spend with him, even though we seem to be clashing lately.
I went to the doctor on Monday to get the results of all the bloodwork and x-rays I had done. I have been having some significant problems (in addition to my neck) and was very hopeful that I would get some answers. Well I got what I asked for.
Dr. Faith ( my rheumatologist) went over all the test results with me. I have inflammatory arthritis in my hands and feet. Significant arthritis showed up on the xrays. She told me she also saw some in the area of my hips/back. She believes it may be tied to my chrohn's disease. She said it is common for people with chrohns to develop IA. Great. Just another added problem. She started me on a sulfa medicine that will help the arthritis and also help with the chrohns. I have been having some problems lately and she said my white blood cell count is up so I am thinking my chrohns may be flaring a bit.
While I was at the doctor they took my BP five times because it was so high. Now I have to monitor it for a few days and then go see my family doctor because I may need blood pressure meds as well.
My question is "when will it end"? I feel like a hypochondriac except all of my problems are real. I get SO tired of explaing my issues to people and I find myself having to mentally stop myself from complaining all the time. I am quite sure I get on everyone's nerves. It would get on my nerves if the roles were reversed.
Don't get me wrong - I am completely aware that it could be a million times worse. One of my closest friends has stage 4 cancer and I see her struggling every day. I am so thankful I don't have anything like that to deal with. I do, however, hurt every morning, afternoon and night. My conditions are chronic and can't be cured which means I have this to look forward to for the rest of my life.
I hope the doctors have me on the right medicines to battle the issues. They really seem to know what they are doing. I am definitely at work more now than I have been in the past year. That is a good sign. I simply must work - going out on disability just isn't an option right now. Plus, like I said, I am 39 years old. I refuse to give in to this crap. I am going to find a way to deal with it so I can get my strength back at least a little bit.
Hopefully my body will cooperate. Only time will tell. But I will keep trying. I will not give up. I will succeed.
I have to...
I went to the doctor on Monday to get the results of all the bloodwork and x-rays I had done. I have been having some significant problems (in addition to my neck) and was very hopeful that I would get some answers. Well I got what I asked for.
Dr. Faith ( my rheumatologist) went over all the test results with me. I have inflammatory arthritis in my hands and feet. Significant arthritis showed up on the xrays. She told me she also saw some in the area of my hips/back. She believes it may be tied to my chrohn's disease. She said it is common for people with chrohns to develop IA. Great. Just another added problem. She started me on a sulfa medicine that will help the arthritis and also help with the chrohns. I have been having some problems lately and she said my white blood cell count is up so I am thinking my chrohns may be flaring a bit.
While I was at the doctor they took my BP five times because it was so high. Now I have to monitor it for a few days and then go see my family doctor because I may need blood pressure meds as well.
My question is "when will it end"? I feel like a hypochondriac except all of my problems are real. I get SO tired of explaing my issues to people and I find myself having to mentally stop myself from complaining all the time. I am quite sure I get on everyone's nerves. It would get on my nerves if the roles were reversed.
Don't get me wrong - I am completely aware that it could be a million times worse. One of my closest friends has stage 4 cancer and I see her struggling every day. I am so thankful I don't have anything like that to deal with. I do, however, hurt every morning, afternoon and night. My conditions are chronic and can't be cured which means I have this to look forward to for the rest of my life.
I hope the doctors have me on the right medicines to battle the issues. They really seem to know what they are doing. I am definitely at work more now than I have been in the past year. That is a good sign. I simply must work - going out on disability just isn't an option right now. Plus, like I said, I am 39 years old. I refuse to give in to this crap. I am going to find a way to deal with it so I can get my strength back at least a little bit.
Hopefully my body will cooperate. Only time will tell. But I will keep trying. I will not give up. I will succeed.
I have to...
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Time Bomb
Taylor has been off medicine for about a month now. I knew as soon as she was gone from home for any length of time she would stop taking care of herself. Unfortunately, I was right.
She isn't eating, isn't sleeping, and refuses to go to the doctor to get her medicine. I can't force her to do it so I just have to sit back and watch her life unravel. And it is doing so, little by little, day by day. She went to the ER yesterday for a headache she has had for three days. She is in bed with it again today. She has called me about five times and during each one she has picked a fight with me. She keeps looking for a fight. She wants to go to the doctor but she has no car, no one to watch Kade, no money, etc. EVERY possible solution I give her she shoots down. It's like she wants to be miserable and isn't happy unless she has something to complain about.
I don't know what to do. I know she needs to take anti-depressants. She knows it too she just doesn't want to admit it. She acts completely irrational when she isn't taking them. Everything anyone says to her gets twisted around and she picks a fight.
She called a little while ago and asked me to talk to Kade. She does that quite often because hearing my voice calms him down when he is tired or cranky or just wants to talk to his Nonna. After I talked to him today, however, he started crying really hard. I asked her what was wrong with him and she said "I pushed him out of the way" . I couldn't believe what I had heard. I instantly began to scold her and try to explain to her that you just don't do that to a baby. All the while, I hear my precious, angelic grandson crying like his heart is broken in the background. I asked her if she was picking him up "no". I asked if she was going to "no". At this point I am on the verge of losing it myself. She finally says something like she can't hear and hangs up the phone. I sit at my desk feeling completely stunned. Did that really just happen? Did she actually do something that heartless to that precious child just because she was in a pissy mood? I am sure she didn't hurt him, she just made him angry, but still. You just can't do that to a baby and expect good results.
I know I lost my temper with my kids when they were little but I don't believe I was ever MEAN to them, at least not when they were as young as Kade. I have been worrying about him all afternoon. I can't help but worry about what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. Is her behavior going to get even more erratic and unpredictable? Is she going to make Kade miserable too? I am so afraid this beautiful, happy child who laughs, giggles and grins all of the time is going to turn into a bitter, resentful young boy if she continues on this path.
There is no talking to her when she is in these dark moods either. I just don't know what to do at this point. I am going to beg for Kade this weekend. She needs a break to get herself in order. Something has to change.
Please pray for Taylor and Kade. They need it alot.
She isn't eating, isn't sleeping, and refuses to go to the doctor to get her medicine. I can't force her to do it so I just have to sit back and watch her life unravel. And it is doing so, little by little, day by day. She went to the ER yesterday for a headache she has had for three days. She is in bed with it again today. She has called me about five times and during each one she has picked a fight with me. She keeps looking for a fight. She wants to go to the doctor but she has no car, no one to watch Kade, no money, etc. EVERY possible solution I give her she shoots down. It's like she wants to be miserable and isn't happy unless she has something to complain about.
I don't know what to do. I know she needs to take anti-depressants. She knows it too she just doesn't want to admit it. She acts completely irrational when she isn't taking them. Everything anyone says to her gets twisted around and she picks a fight.
She called a little while ago and asked me to talk to Kade. She does that quite often because hearing my voice calms him down when he is tired or cranky or just wants to talk to his Nonna. After I talked to him today, however, he started crying really hard. I asked her what was wrong with him and she said "I pushed him out of the way" . I couldn't believe what I had heard. I instantly began to scold her and try to explain to her that you just don't do that to a baby. All the while, I hear my precious, angelic grandson crying like his heart is broken in the background. I asked her if she was picking him up "no". I asked if she was going to "no". At this point I am on the verge of losing it myself. She finally says something like she can't hear and hangs up the phone. I sit at my desk feeling completely stunned. Did that really just happen? Did she actually do something that heartless to that precious child just because she was in a pissy mood? I am sure she didn't hurt him, she just made him angry, but still. You just can't do that to a baby and expect good results.
I know I lost my temper with my kids when they were little but I don't believe I was ever MEAN to them, at least not when they were as young as Kade. I have been worrying about him all afternoon. I can't help but worry about what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. Is her behavior going to get even more erratic and unpredictable? Is she going to make Kade miserable too? I am so afraid this beautiful, happy child who laughs, giggles and grins all of the time is going to turn into a bitter, resentful young boy if she continues on this path.
There is no talking to her when she is in these dark moods either. I just don't know what to do at this point. I am going to beg for Kade this weekend. She needs a break to get herself in order. Something has to change.
Please pray for Taylor and Kade. They need it alot.
Friday, December 3, 2010
My Dilemma
Taylor asked me several months ago if I would watch Kade the weekend of December 11th and 12th because she and Ethan were going out of town for some "redneck function". Of course I jumped at the chance. Well, because of all the drama that trip has been cancelled. I asked Taylor if I could still get Kade on the 11th because it is the Citrus Christmas Parade and I thought it would be awesome and fun to have Kade there for Aaron's first parade. Do you know what Taylor's response was? "Well Ethan and I would want to be there too because it's Kades first parade!".
First of all, Kade doesn't know its his first parade and he isn't going to remember it as such. Second, is she telling me that I can watch Kade but only if I don't do anything with him that she hasn't approved of? It's like I can only watch him if I sit at home and don't do anything fun. That just isn't going to work for me. I plan on having fun with my grandson - taking him to the zoo, Disney, Orlando, etc. I know I will be able to offer him things she isn't going to be able to and I would hope she appreciates that. Instead I get the feeling she is going to resent it. Because of her immaturity she is going to get jealous instead of looking at it as opportunities for her son to experience new things. I would be more than willing for her to go as well but there is no way in hell Ethan will be joining us. I don't do the roller coaster with him like she does. He is a piece of shit and he isn't going to be in my good graces EVER!!!
So - this is the issue I am now facing. How do I talk to Taylor about this without pissing her off and making her feel like she is being selfish?
The drama continues........
First of all, Kade doesn't know its his first parade and he isn't going to remember it as such. Second, is she telling me that I can watch Kade but only if I don't do anything with him that she hasn't approved of? It's like I can only watch him if I sit at home and don't do anything fun. That just isn't going to work for me. I plan on having fun with my grandson - taking him to the zoo, Disney, Orlando, etc. I know I will be able to offer him things she isn't going to be able to and I would hope she appreciates that. Instead I get the feeling she is going to resent it. Because of her immaturity she is going to get jealous instead of looking at it as opportunities for her son to experience new things. I would be more than willing for her to go as well but there is no way in hell Ethan will be joining us. I don't do the roller coaster with him like she does. He is a piece of shit and he isn't going to be in my good graces EVER!!!
So - this is the issue I am now facing. How do I talk to Taylor about this without pissing her off and making her feel like she is being selfish?
The drama continues........
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Give and Take
I was single for a LONG time. When I say a long time, I am talking approximately eight years or so. After I got divorced I just didn't want someone interfering with my kids when they were so young. Plus, I think there was a part of me that was already interested in William ( I had met him while I was still married) and I think I was subconciously waiting on him. He was always kind of in the picture, giving me advice, lending a hand, being my friend. We have always been close. Everyone always assumed we were a couple long before we actually were. It's strange how that happened. We kind of just ended up together. No one was really surprised. Some couples are just meant to be. But, I digress.
I was on my own for a long time, therefore I am used to doing things my way. Having a man in the picture now is a HUGE adjustment for me. I am not used to having to compromise or give in to someone else's desires or needs. To tell you the truth I'm not very good at it. In the beginning I downright sucked at it. I wanted everything my way. I wasn't willing to bend. Bill was the same way. It made life quite difficult for a while. Eventually we realized if we were going to have a successful relationship we had to practice some give and take. I met him halfway on the things that were most important to him and he did the same for me. So far its working ( knock on wood here). We still have occassional flare-ups but overall things are running pretty smoothly.
Our biggest issue is the children. I baby my kids, he babies his son. Neither one of us is wiling to admit that however. We spoil the mess out of them and then accuse each other of doing so, acting like we don't do the same thing. But, overall it is working out okay. It's a constant work in progress.
I don't think I would like being on my own again now that I have William. He makes me a better person. I don't want to sound cheesy but he pretty much completes me. He keeps me grounded and focused and, most days anyway, out of trouble. We couldn't be more different from each other but for some reason it works. They weren't kidding when they said opposites attract.
Life is all about give and take. If you want things bad enough you have to learn how to do that. I am learning more and more every day. I am a better person for it too!
I was on my own for a long time, therefore I am used to doing things my way. Having a man in the picture now is a HUGE adjustment for me. I am not used to having to compromise or give in to someone else's desires or needs. To tell you the truth I'm not very good at it. In the beginning I downright sucked at it. I wanted everything my way. I wasn't willing to bend. Bill was the same way. It made life quite difficult for a while. Eventually we realized if we were going to have a successful relationship we had to practice some give and take. I met him halfway on the things that were most important to him and he did the same for me. So far its working ( knock on wood here). We still have occassional flare-ups but overall things are running pretty smoothly.
Our biggest issue is the children. I baby my kids, he babies his son. Neither one of us is wiling to admit that however. We spoil the mess out of them and then accuse each other of doing so, acting like we don't do the same thing. But, overall it is working out okay. It's a constant work in progress.
I don't think I would like being on my own again now that I have William. He makes me a better person. I don't want to sound cheesy but he pretty much completes me. He keeps me grounded and focused and, most days anyway, out of trouble. We couldn't be more different from each other but for some reason it works. They weren't kidding when they said opposites attract.
Life is all about give and take. If you want things bad enough you have to learn how to do that. I am learning more and more every day. I am a better person for it too!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Diet Update
On a more positive note, even with the Thanksgiving holiday, I have lost 4 pounds since my first posting. It is slow going but at least it is going! Go me!!!!
I've Had ENOUGH
I haven't posted in a while. Thanksgiving was just too busy of a time. Cooking, cleaning, attending a funeral. So much to do. In the midst of all the busy-ness - my daughter's life continues to spiral more and more out of control. I wasn't going to post about this, but it is SO absurd, I just can't hold it inside.
Taylor's husband is an asshole. He is an unintelligent, uneducated, uninformed, inbred, redneck asshole. He treats her like shit all the time and she just sticks around for more and more abuse. It breaks my heart but I am helpless to stop it. Thanksgiving Day was the last straw for me. You aren't going to BELIEVE what he is accusing her of now.
They got into a fight over something stupid, as usual. I think it was missing car keys. She ended up coming to my house with just the baby. (thank God) He told her not to come back home. This has happened before so she was just giving him some time to cool off. She calls him after about an hour and he drops "the bomb" on her. He has "been thinking" since she had Kade that maybe Kade isn't really his baby. He wants a paternity test done. Forget about the fact that the baby looks EXACTLY like him, has his face, his hairline, his hair color. Forget about the fact that the baby looks EXACTLY like Ethan's baby pictures. Forget about the fact that Ethan signed the birth certificate without any questions being asked. NOW, after Kade has been alive for almost 9 months, he decides to drop this on Taylor. On Thanksgiving Day.
I tried to tell Taylor that he just does these things to make her miserable, but I hear her on the phone asking him if she can come home anyway. What the hell is wrong with that girl??? If it were me I would be telling him to f*** off (excuse my language) and have him sign the kid over. I sure as hell wouldn't be going back to him.
But, go back to him she did. And she is still there. She even tried to get her aunt to do the testing because she does that sort of thing. I swear I just don't get it. I DO NOT understand the mentality of someone who would allow themselves to be abused and manipulated like that.
I talked to Taylor this morning and she sounded heartbroken and miserable. She knows she shouldn't be there but she feels trapped. She told me regardless of what she does or where she goes she will be miserable. I worry about her so much and feel like I have completely failed her. I just don't know what to do.
She is not taking her medicine either, doesn't even have any. She is an accident waiting to happen. And Kade is trapped in the middle.
And I wonder why I don't sleep at night.
God please be with my babies. Both of them.
Taylor's husband is an asshole. He is an unintelligent, uneducated, uninformed, inbred, redneck asshole. He treats her like shit all the time and she just sticks around for more and more abuse. It breaks my heart but I am helpless to stop it. Thanksgiving Day was the last straw for me. You aren't going to BELIEVE what he is accusing her of now.
They got into a fight over something stupid, as usual. I think it was missing car keys. She ended up coming to my house with just the baby. (thank God) He told her not to come back home. This has happened before so she was just giving him some time to cool off. She calls him after about an hour and he drops "the bomb" on her. He has "been thinking" since she had Kade that maybe Kade isn't really his baby. He wants a paternity test done. Forget about the fact that the baby looks EXACTLY like him, has his face, his hairline, his hair color. Forget about the fact that the baby looks EXACTLY like Ethan's baby pictures. Forget about the fact that Ethan signed the birth certificate without any questions being asked. NOW, after Kade has been alive for almost 9 months, he decides to drop this on Taylor. On Thanksgiving Day.
I tried to tell Taylor that he just does these things to make her miserable, but I hear her on the phone asking him if she can come home anyway. What the hell is wrong with that girl??? If it were me I would be telling him to f*** off (excuse my language) and have him sign the kid over. I sure as hell wouldn't be going back to him.
But, go back to him she did. And she is still there. She even tried to get her aunt to do the testing because she does that sort of thing. I swear I just don't get it. I DO NOT understand the mentality of someone who would allow themselves to be abused and manipulated like that.
I talked to Taylor this morning and she sounded heartbroken and miserable. She knows she shouldn't be there but she feels trapped. She told me regardless of what she does or where she goes she will be miserable. I worry about her so much and feel like I have completely failed her. I just don't know what to do.
She is not taking her medicine either, doesn't even have any. She is an accident waiting to happen. And Kade is trapped in the middle.
And I wonder why I don't sleep at night.
God please be with my babies. Both of them.
Monday, November 22, 2010
One of Our Own
Sgt. Frank Loreto started at the Sheriff's Office about two years after me. He was from New York, a true Italian, and I immediately liked him. I was working in dispatch back then (15 years ago now) and we formed a friendship. I vividly remember answering the phone and hearing his "Hey it's Loreto, how you doin?"
Frank worked his way to Sgt and was a damn good one. The Sheriff had just decided to appoint him as Accreditation Supervisor when Frank found out he had pancreatic cancer. That was maybe a year ago.
Being young and of the feeling that you will live forever, Frank had no life insurance other than the $50,000 or so we get as employees. He has three children. The oldest is a Freshman in high school, the youngest about eight.
We immediately started raising money for his family and have done a pretty good job at it. All the while, Frank fought a battle that everyone had heard was a death sentence once received.
He was in and out of the hospital, problem after problem arising when his body lost its strength. He had to retire his position.
I will never forget the last time I talked with Frank. Sgt. Groves from Warrants had called my phone. Even though I don't work in the IT section of the SO, I am considered a computer geek by everyone I know. They were having problems with a print job and asked for help. When I got to his office Frank and his wife Katie were there. The print job was his retirement letter. They had gotten it completed just as I arrived and Frank was bent over signing it. I had never met his wife and was at a loss for words at this unbelievably solemn moment. I told Katie he looked well and we chatted for a minute.
Frank looked up and caught my eye. He opened his arms and gave me a hug. He told me thanks and I muttered an indiscernable "take care" and walked back to my second story office with tears streaming down my cheeks. I wish I had told him how awesome I thought he was and how much I treasured our "midnight chats" back when we were young, crazy and full of laughs. I wish I had told him but I am pretty sure he knew. Some things just never have to be spoken.
Frank Loreto, Sergeant, Hernando County Sheriff's Office, passed away on November 21, 2010. He is survived by his wife, three children and approximately 300 other family members who will never forget him and the things he brought to our lives and to our agency.
God received another awesome Angel in you Frank. Tell Scotty B we all said "hey". I can only imagine what you two will be getting into up there. You left us too young but our loss is definitely God's gain.
Rest in Peace my friend. All will be well here.
Frank worked his way to Sgt and was a damn good one. The Sheriff had just decided to appoint him as Accreditation Supervisor when Frank found out he had pancreatic cancer. That was maybe a year ago.
Being young and of the feeling that you will live forever, Frank had no life insurance other than the $50,000 or so we get as employees. He has three children. The oldest is a Freshman in high school, the youngest about eight.
We immediately started raising money for his family and have done a pretty good job at it. All the while, Frank fought a battle that everyone had heard was a death sentence once received.
He was in and out of the hospital, problem after problem arising when his body lost its strength. He had to retire his position.
I will never forget the last time I talked with Frank. Sgt. Groves from Warrants had called my phone. Even though I don't work in the IT section of the SO, I am considered a computer geek by everyone I know. They were having problems with a print job and asked for help. When I got to his office Frank and his wife Katie were there. The print job was his retirement letter. They had gotten it completed just as I arrived and Frank was bent over signing it. I had never met his wife and was at a loss for words at this unbelievably solemn moment. I told Katie he looked well and we chatted for a minute.
Frank looked up and caught my eye. He opened his arms and gave me a hug. He told me thanks and I muttered an indiscernable "take care" and walked back to my second story office with tears streaming down my cheeks. I wish I had told him how awesome I thought he was and how much I treasured our "midnight chats" back when we were young, crazy and full of laughs. I wish I had told him but I am pretty sure he knew. Some things just never have to be spoken.
Frank Loreto, Sergeant, Hernando County Sheriff's Office, passed away on November 21, 2010. He is survived by his wife, three children and approximately 300 other family members who will never forget him and the things he brought to our lives and to our agency.
God received another awesome Angel in you Frank. Tell Scotty B we all said "hey". I can only imagine what you two will be getting into up there. You left us too young but our loss is definitely God's gain.
Rest in Peace my friend. All will be well here.
Friday, November 19, 2010
DAY 1
Today begins Day 1 of my diet. I am cutting myself down to 1,000 calories a day. I can't exercise without pain so I have to do something to get this weight off.
My friend Ed downloaded this handy dandy Fitness Application on my IPOD that lets me track the nutritional information of everything I eat so I am logging EVERYTHING, down to every grain of sugar and salt.
I am entirely aware that the week before Thanksgiving is not the ideal time to begin a diet but I am TIRED of being this size. I am five pounds heavier than I was when I was ready to give birth to Aaron so something has to change. I can't stop taking my medicines or I won't be able to get out of bed. So - I will seriously cut back on my food consumption. It is the only logical choice - as Spock would say.
We will see how I do. Our lives are very active so it isn't going to be easy. William and the kids are very supportive of everything I try to do so I know they will help in any way they can. We are at State Band Competition all day tomorrow so it will be my first test.
That is all for now.
Peace out my friends.
My friend Ed downloaded this handy dandy Fitness Application on my IPOD that lets me track the nutritional information of everything I eat so I am logging EVERYTHING, down to every grain of sugar and salt.
I am entirely aware that the week before Thanksgiving is not the ideal time to begin a diet but I am TIRED of being this size. I am five pounds heavier than I was when I was ready to give birth to Aaron so something has to change. I can't stop taking my medicines or I won't be able to get out of bed. So - I will seriously cut back on my food consumption. It is the only logical choice - as Spock would say.
We will see how I do. Our lives are very active so it isn't going to be easy. William and the kids are very supportive of everything I try to do so I know they will help in any way they can. We are at State Band Competition all day tomorrow so it will be my first test.
That is all for now.
Peace out my friends.
My Britney Obsession
I know it has to be addressed. Most people find it confusing. Or offensive. Or just stupid.
I am obsessed with Britney Spears. Not just a little obsessed. COMPLETELY obsessed. Not quite as much as I used to be, but still pretty much captivated with her every move.
My boyfriend got me tickets to her Circus World Tour last year for Christmas hoping that if I saw her in concert I would calm down a little bit about her. It worked to a point. I no longer eat, sleep and breathe Britney but I do still obsess over her.
It didn't used to be this way. I actually used to think she was an idiot. I didn't like her voice and thought she was a bad influence on teenage girls. I liked some of her music, you have to admit some of it is QUITE catchy, but her voice was unimpressive to me. Her dancing however was phenominal. I have always loved dancing and greatly admired the way she moved.
As I grew older so did she. She went through some tough times in her life. One day I was watching television and they were covering her on some stalker show like TMZ or something. She had a look on her face like a scared rabbit and made a comment about being constantly harrassed and just wanting to be left alone. I started to take a closer look at Britney and her life. I realized that from the age of 8 she had never had a moment of privacy. EVERY move she made was in front of the camera. Her entire life was a story. Every photo taken of her was worth 10 times that of any other star. She was a paparzzi-magnet. She never got a moments peace. I started to pay closer attention to Britney's life. I started to feel sorry for her. I started to want to save her. I became obsessed with learning everything I could about her. I wanted to dance like her, dress like her, be her. I told everyone I would marry her if given the chance. This was the truth. And I didn't even mention the ROCK HARD body she totes around when she is working out properly. I mean, seriously people, have you seen it? I think I fell a little bit in love with Britney Spears.
It got to the point that I had more pictures of Britney on my MySpace back then than I did of my kids. That was the point I realized I had a problem. I started to tone it down a little. These days I admire at a "somewhat distance" trying to keep things under control. I haven't posted a new picture of her on facebook in a LONG time. That doesn't mean I don't look at them though. I'm not really sure I will ever get completely over her but I am trying.
Britney is making a lot of progress in her life as well. Her dad had to take over her entire life. Her finances, decisions, physical well being, everything. She completely fell apart. I have tried to think of what that would feel like as a person but I can't. I do however, know the personality type that would get to that point. I have a daughter who could very easily get to that point. I think that may be why I was so attracted to Britney in the beginning. I think I wanted to save her. I wanted to go to her, wrap my arms around her and tell her everything was going to be okay. It seemed to take forever for someone in her family to take that step.
Britney has proven that no amount of money in life can take care of the basics. You have to have family, you have to have love, stability and control of yourself. And no amount of money can make you happy.
I would probably still marry Britney if she asked me. But I would keep Bill too. And he would be okay with that. What guy wouldn't? :) :) :)
I am obsessed with Britney Spears. Not just a little obsessed. COMPLETELY obsessed. Not quite as much as I used to be, but still pretty much captivated with her every move.
My boyfriend got me tickets to her Circus World Tour last year for Christmas hoping that if I saw her in concert I would calm down a little bit about her. It worked to a point. I no longer eat, sleep and breathe Britney but I do still obsess over her.
It didn't used to be this way. I actually used to think she was an idiot. I didn't like her voice and thought she was a bad influence on teenage girls. I liked some of her music, you have to admit some of it is QUITE catchy, but her voice was unimpressive to me. Her dancing however was phenominal. I have always loved dancing and greatly admired the way she moved.
As I grew older so did she. She went through some tough times in her life. One day I was watching television and they were covering her on some stalker show like TMZ or something. She had a look on her face like a scared rabbit and made a comment about being constantly harrassed and just wanting to be left alone. I started to take a closer look at Britney and her life. I realized that from the age of 8 she had never had a moment of privacy. EVERY move she made was in front of the camera. Her entire life was a story. Every photo taken of her was worth 10 times that of any other star. She was a paparzzi-magnet. She never got a moments peace. I started to pay closer attention to Britney's life. I started to feel sorry for her. I started to want to save her. I became obsessed with learning everything I could about her. I wanted to dance like her, dress like her, be her. I told everyone I would marry her if given the chance. This was the truth. And I didn't even mention the ROCK HARD body she totes around when she is working out properly. I mean, seriously people, have you seen it? I think I fell a little bit in love with Britney Spears.
It got to the point that I had more pictures of Britney on my MySpace back then than I did of my kids. That was the point I realized I had a problem. I started to tone it down a little. These days I admire at a "somewhat distance" trying to keep things under control. I haven't posted a new picture of her on facebook in a LONG time. That doesn't mean I don't look at them though. I'm not really sure I will ever get completely over her but I am trying.
Britney is making a lot of progress in her life as well. Her dad had to take over her entire life. Her finances, decisions, physical well being, everything. She completely fell apart. I have tried to think of what that would feel like as a person but I can't. I do however, know the personality type that would get to that point. I have a daughter who could very easily get to that point. I think that may be why I was so attracted to Britney in the beginning. I think I wanted to save her. I wanted to go to her, wrap my arms around her and tell her everything was going to be okay. It seemed to take forever for someone in her family to take that step.
Britney has proven that no amount of money in life can take care of the basics. You have to have family, you have to have love, stability and control of yourself. And no amount of money can make you happy.
I would probably still marry Britney if she asked me. But I would keep Bill too. And he would be okay with that. What guy wouldn't? :) :) :)
Raven
And as the raven flies she feels unwelcome
She's fallen out of her tree and caught on a limb of silver lining
Her wings uncertain oh but she's still flying
Yeah little Raven I see you there
Hold your head up now
I won't try and pull your feathers out I promise
Go on dry your eyes
You know that I've forgiven you and I'm sorry
And everything till now
It wasn't that bad really
Beautiful lady
Why don't you fly with me
We'll have a chat and a cup of tea
And a long lost need to see who's really there
And you'll finally be okay with me
And I'll hear your stories
That fill your sad eyes
When you had raven hair
Hold your head up high
I know that I've been ruthless
I've been ruthless
Go on dry your eyes
You know that I've forgiven you and I'm sorry
And everything till now
It wasn't that bad really
Beautiful lady
Go on dry your eyes
Hey you finally see me - hi
And I see you
And everything till now
It wasn't that bad really
Beautiful lady
Go on dry your eyes
You know that I've forgiven you and I'm sorry
And everything till now
It wasn't that bad really
Beautiful lady
She's fallen out of her tree and caught on a limb of silver lining
Her wings uncertain oh but she's still flying
Yeah little Raven I see you there
Hold your head up now
I won't try and pull your feathers out I promise
Go on dry your eyes
You know that I've forgiven you and I'm sorry
And everything till now
It wasn't that bad really
Beautiful lady
Why don't you fly with me
We'll have a chat and a cup of tea
And a long lost need to see who's really there
And you'll finally be okay with me
And I'll hear your stories
That fill your sad eyes
When you had raven hair
Hold your head up high
I know that I've been ruthless
I've been ruthless
Go on dry your eyes
You know that I've forgiven you and I'm sorry
And everything till now
It wasn't that bad really
Beautiful lady
Go on dry your eyes
Hey you finally see me - hi
And I see you
And everything till now
It wasn't that bad really
Beautiful lady
Go on dry your eyes
You know that I've forgiven you and I'm sorry
And everything till now
It wasn't that bad really
Beautiful lady
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
What a STUPID Question
Taylor calls today. I am eating lunch so she says she will call back because she "has something important to talk about". Figuring she is going to tell me she is pregnant again I press her to talk....Her next question totally knocks me for a loop.
"How's your credit?"
At first I didn't think I had heard her right. I'm like "It's fine, why?"
She continues "Will you co-sign for a house for us?"
I would like EVERYONE reading this to know that my response to her did not contain one, NOT ONE, four letter word in it... Aren't you impressed? Even though I wanted to say "What the hell do you mean will I co-sign for you? You can't find gas money on a GOOD day let alone pay a mortgage and you want me to ruin my credit for you too? You stupid ass selfish pain in the ass - HELL NO I won't sign for you."
But - I didn't say any of that. I did laugh though. I couldn't help myself. I told her there was NO WAY I was co-signing for anything for her and that I didn't think it was a very good idea for her to try and get a mortgage payment on top of the problems she already has. Inside I was screaming my fool head off though. What a dumb ass. What the hell is she thinking? And did she really, truly believe I would say yes?
Sometimes I swear she isn't mine. If she didn't have that damn birthmark on the top of her head that was so prominent when she was born, I would swear they switched her with some other person's child. Someone who didn't have a lick of common sense, the IQ of a squirrel and the personality to match... I swear, I can't believe the stuff that comes out of her mouth sometimes. It makes me SO MAD..... What do you say to a kid that is so clueless???
The conversation was short and sweet. I popped a Xanax as soon as I hung up the phone. One of these days I am just going to start drinking around the clock so I am ready for when this stuff comes at me.
I got some really cool boots at Kohl's on my lunch too and she RUINED my good mood..Dumb ass.
"How's your credit?"
At first I didn't think I had heard her right. I'm like "It's fine, why?"
She continues "Will you co-sign for a house for us?"
I would like EVERYONE reading this to know that my response to her did not contain one, NOT ONE, four letter word in it... Aren't you impressed? Even though I wanted to say "What the hell do you mean will I co-sign for you? You can't find gas money on a GOOD day let alone pay a mortgage and you want me to ruin my credit for you too? You stupid ass selfish pain in the ass - HELL NO I won't sign for you."
But - I didn't say any of that. I did laugh though. I couldn't help myself. I told her there was NO WAY I was co-signing for anything for her and that I didn't think it was a very good idea for her to try and get a mortgage payment on top of the problems she already has. Inside I was screaming my fool head off though. What a dumb ass. What the hell is she thinking? And did she really, truly believe I would say yes?
Sometimes I swear she isn't mine. If she didn't have that damn birthmark on the top of her head that was so prominent when she was born, I would swear they switched her with some other person's child. Someone who didn't have a lick of common sense, the IQ of a squirrel and the personality to match... I swear, I can't believe the stuff that comes out of her mouth sometimes. It makes me SO MAD..... What do you say to a kid that is so clueless???
The conversation was short and sweet. I popped a Xanax as soon as I hung up the phone. One of these days I am just going to start drinking around the clock so I am ready for when this stuff comes at me.
I got some really cool boots at Kohl's on my lunch too and she RUINED my good mood..Dumb ass.
Broken
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
[x2]
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
[x2]
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
Monday, November 15, 2010
Go Gators
I was invited by my friend Tracey to attend the UF/SC football game on Saturday. I had never been to a college football game and was so excited to get the opportunity to go. Football is one if my favorite things in the world so getting to see it "live and in living color" was almost too exciting for me.
I met Tracey in Ocala and she drove the rest of the way to Gainesville. She had pre-arranged some tailgating for us. I met some really nice people, got to see my other friend Amber from high school, and ate some really great food.
When we got into the stadium I was pretty pumped. When I saw the football field I truly believe my heart skipped a beat. The inside of the stadium was much larger than I thought it would be. The seats were in an AMAZING location. Endzone - 8th row. Pretty amazing, huh? I could literally see facial hair on the players on the field we were so close. I was amazed. It felt like we were part of the team sitting that close, and I was completely caught up in the moment.
The Gators ran the kickoff back for a touchdown, something that hardly ever happens. I knew that it was a good sign and we were going to kick ass. I was DEAD WRONG. We got our butts handed to us and Tracey, her mom and I ended up leaving at the end of the third quarter. It was disappointing to see them play so badly, but what a GREAT experience and what a GREAT time!!! I had so much fun I forgot about all of my worries for a few hours. It was fantastic!
Thank you Tracey for being such a great friend for so many years! Your friendship means more to me than you will ever know!
I met Tracey in Ocala and she drove the rest of the way to Gainesville. She had pre-arranged some tailgating for us. I met some really nice people, got to see my other friend Amber from high school, and ate some really great food.
When we got into the stadium I was pretty pumped. When I saw the football field I truly believe my heart skipped a beat. The inside of the stadium was much larger than I thought it would be. The seats were in an AMAZING location. Endzone - 8th row. Pretty amazing, huh? I could literally see facial hair on the players on the field we were so close. I was amazed. It felt like we were part of the team sitting that close, and I was completely caught up in the moment.
The Gators ran the kickoff back for a touchdown, something that hardly ever happens. I knew that it was a good sign and we were going to kick ass. I was DEAD WRONG. We got our butts handed to us and Tracey, her mom and I ended up leaving at the end of the third quarter. It was disappointing to see them play so badly, but what a GREAT experience and what a GREAT time!!! I had so much fun I forgot about all of my worries for a few hours. It was fantastic!
Thank you Tracey for being such a great friend for so many years! Your friendship means more to me than you will ever know!
Friday, November 12, 2010
Taylor
I know people say all babies are cute and precious when they are born. This is not entirely true. When Aaron was born, he was red, blotchy and wrinkly. He had to grow into his cuteness. Taylor, on the other hand, was perfect from the very beginning.
Taylor was blessed with dark Italian skin coloring, a head full of jet black hair and perfect features. She was so pretty it hurt to look at her. As she got older it became even more evident that she was going to be gorgeous when she grew up. More importantly was the fact that along with being beautiful on the outside, she was beautiful on the inside as well. She was an adorable baby. EXTREMELY intelligent. She wasn't even 24 hours old, still in the hospital, and I was holding her on my chest when she raised her head completely off my chest and looked me dead in the eyes. My mother and I just looked at her in awe. She told me then that Taylor was going to be an "overly intelligent child". I thought she was just a proud grandma.
Taylor did EVERYTHING early. She never crawled but was walking at 8 1/2 months. Yes, I said 8 1/2 months. I'm not talking a few steps, I'm talking WALKING. At 18 months she was talking in complete sentences. It was very obvious to everyone who knew her that she was above average. She excelled in elementary school getting honor roll constantly, receiving good behavior and leadership awards. I could go on and on. I will never forget one morning when she was around 7 or 8. I was brushing my teeth and had left the water on. She told me in her "matter-of-fact" tone that you are supposed to turn the water off while you brush so you don't waste water. That is the kind of kid she was.
The most amazing thing about Taylor at that age was the way she related to her brother. When Aaron was three years old there were two people on the planet that could understand what he was saying. Myself and Taylor. Quite often, she was interpreting for me. She went with me to Shands every chance she got. She was my second pair of hands, eyes and ears. I realize now that I relied too heavily on a small child to help me when I needed an adult's helping hand.
She went through that awkward stage where NO ONE looks good I don't care how good your genes are. In 7th grade though, things started to straighten out for her. She decided to be a cheerleader. She was already playing softball and was doing quite well so she made the squad easily. Over the next year and a half Taylor started changing. The boys were noticing her. A LOT. She seemed to thrive on the attention. I was constantly in the process of checking up on Taylor. Her grades started to slip. My honor roll student went to C's and D's and a couple of F's. She didn't have the grades to make the squad for 8th grade. The school decided to let her cheer anyway even though she didn't have the 2.0 average. I realize today that this incident would prove to be the pivotal point in Taylor's life. When I should have said no to cheerleading, I let her be on the squad for 8th grade anyway. I basically told her cheering was more important than her grades.
She started high school and immediately problems started. If you can think of it, we went through it and then some. Sneaking boys in the house, drinking, lying, popping pills, smoking, EVERYTHING. The next three years would be a constant battle of trying to keep her head above water. She would do great for several months and then backslide right back down again.
By the second semester of Taylor's junior year she had ruined her reputation at Citrus High and was completely out of control. I decided to change her school, moving her in with my ex-Sister in Law during the week so she could attend Sumter High. It seemed to be a good choice even though it was the hardest one I ever made. She made straight A's, stayed out of trouble and actually made progress towards rebuilding her life. However, as always, she had a constant boyfriend. Taylor NEVER was without a boyfriend. It seemed like an incessant need that she possess one at all times. Even if she cheated on them, hated them, treated them badly, or vice versa, Taylor HAD to have a boyfriend. Sumter was no different.
The summer before her Senior year Taylor went on her first date in 6 months. Five weeks later I caught her IM'ing Bill's son that she was pregnant. ONE DATE. SIX MONTHS. She hadn't been without adult supervision (and I am NOT exaggerating) except for one time and she ends up pregnant.
Kade Aaron DeMaio was born on March 12, 2010. His dad Ethan, up to this point, had been in and out of the picture so many times he was a non-issue. I just knew that having Kade would change Taylor back to the little girl I remembered. The child who did the right thing for the right reason without having to be told. The child who followed the rules. Although completely devestated that my 17yoa daughter was having a baby, I also looked at it as her possible salvation from a life of mahem.
The minute she turned 18 she moved in with Ethan. Four weeks later she called me on a Monday to tell me that wedding invitations were in the mail. I was heartbroken. I had no involvement in the wedding and could do nothing to talk her out of it. She would call me crying that it wasn't what she wanted but she wouldn't listen to me when I asked her to come home. Since she got married on June 12, 2010 Taylor has been back home four times with the intent of getting a divorce. Her marriage is horrible yet she keeps going back. She will probably do this for years. This last time I told her was the last time. Bill won't have it anymore. It disrupts our entire lives. Aaron can't handle the constant change. She causes mayhem whereever she goes.
On the bright side, she is a very good mother to Kade. I knew the moment I saw them together that she loved him with that "maternal love" that you either have or don't have. However, some days lately I don't see her being as nurturing as I would hope. It will come in time I pray.
I have beaten myself up a billion times for Taylor's young life so far. What did I do wrong? Was I too much of a friend and not enough of a mother? Was she constantly looking for someone to love because I divorced her dad? Did I want her to be popular so much to the point that I drove her to those behaviors? Did I give her too much, too often and not say no enough?
Bill told me once that I should feel comfortable in the fact that I tried EVERYTHING I could to try and help Taylor and keep her from going down this path. That is hard because as a mother I can't help but feel I didn't do enough. I will always blame myself for the way things have turned out. Even though I know deep down that Taylor is her own person and makes her own choices I can't help but feel like I failed her. I can't help but feel like there was at least one more thing I could have tried, one more lesson I could have taught that would have made her into the person I had hoped for.
Most of all I just hurt because I worked so hard to try to make a good life for her and she doesn't even care. I have accepted the fact that Taylor is selfish and immature, thinking only of herself and nothing I can do will change that now. I can only hold onto the hope that Kade will be enough to carry her out of the pit she has gotten herself into. Hopefully he will be enough to make her try. Only time will tell.
Most days I just wish I had the little girl back who would stretch her arms as wide as she could get them and say "Mommy, I love you THIS much". I want her back so I can try again. I want her back so I can save her.
Taylor was blessed with dark Italian skin coloring, a head full of jet black hair and perfect features. She was so pretty it hurt to look at her. As she got older it became even more evident that she was going to be gorgeous when she grew up. More importantly was the fact that along with being beautiful on the outside, she was beautiful on the inside as well. She was an adorable baby. EXTREMELY intelligent. She wasn't even 24 hours old, still in the hospital, and I was holding her on my chest when she raised her head completely off my chest and looked me dead in the eyes. My mother and I just looked at her in awe. She told me then that Taylor was going to be an "overly intelligent child". I thought she was just a proud grandma.
Taylor did EVERYTHING early. She never crawled but was walking at 8 1/2 months. Yes, I said 8 1/2 months. I'm not talking a few steps, I'm talking WALKING. At 18 months she was talking in complete sentences. It was very obvious to everyone who knew her that she was above average. She excelled in elementary school getting honor roll constantly, receiving good behavior and leadership awards. I could go on and on. I will never forget one morning when she was around 7 or 8. I was brushing my teeth and had left the water on. She told me in her "matter-of-fact" tone that you are supposed to turn the water off while you brush so you don't waste water. That is the kind of kid she was.
The most amazing thing about Taylor at that age was the way she related to her brother. When Aaron was three years old there were two people on the planet that could understand what he was saying. Myself and Taylor. Quite often, she was interpreting for me. She went with me to Shands every chance she got. She was my second pair of hands, eyes and ears. I realize now that I relied too heavily on a small child to help me when I needed an adult's helping hand.
She went through that awkward stage where NO ONE looks good I don't care how good your genes are. In 7th grade though, things started to straighten out for her. She decided to be a cheerleader. She was already playing softball and was doing quite well so she made the squad easily. Over the next year and a half Taylor started changing. The boys were noticing her. A LOT. She seemed to thrive on the attention. I was constantly in the process of checking up on Taylor. Her grades started to slip. My honor roll student went to C's and D's and a couple of F's. She didn't have the grades to make the squad for 8th grade. The school decided to let her cheer anyway even though she didn't have the 2.0 average. I realize today that this incident would prove to be the pivotal point in Taylor's life. When I should have said no to cheerleading, I let her be on the squad for 8th grade anyway. I basically told her cheering was more important than her grades.
She started high school and immediately problems started. If you can think of it, we went through it and then some. Sneaking boys in the house, drinking, lying, popping pills, smoking, EVERYTHING. The next three years would be a constant battle of trying to keep her head above water. She would do great for several months and then backslide right back down again.
By the second semester of Taylor's junior year she had ruined her reputation at Citrus High and was completely out of control. I decided to change her school, moving her in with my ex-Sister in Law during the week so she could attend Sumter High. It seemed to be a good choice even though it was the hardest one I ever made. She made straight A's, stayed out of trouble and actually made progress towards rebuilding her life. However, as always, she had a constant boyfriend. Taylor NEVER was without a boyfriend. It seemed like an incessant need that she possess one at all times. Even if she cheated on them, hated them, treated them badly, or vice versa, Taylor HAD to have a boyfriend. Sumter was no different.
The summer before her Senior year Taylor went on her first date in 6 months. Five weeks later I caught her IM'ing Bill's son that she was pregnant. ONE DATE. SIX MONTHS. She hadn't been without adult supervision (and I am NOT exaggerating) except for one time and she ends up pregnant.
Kade Aaron DeMaio was born on March 12, 2010. His dad Ethan, up to this point, had been in and out of the picture so many times he was a non-issue. I just knew that having Kade would change Taylor back to the little girl I remembered. The child who did the right thing for the right reason without having to be told. The child who followed the rules. Although completely devestated that my 17yoa daughter was having a baby, I also looked at it as her possible salvation from a life of mahem.
The minute she turned 18 she moved in with Ethan. Four weeks later she called me on a Monday to tell me that wedding invitations were in the mail. I was heartbroken. I had no involvement in the wedding and could do nothing to talk her out of it. She would call me crying that it wasn't what she wanted but she wouldn't listen to me when I asked her to come home. Since she got married on June 12, 2010 Taylor has been back home four times with the intent of getting a divorce. Her marriage is horrible yet she keeps going back. She will probably do this for years. This last time I told her was the last time. Bill won't have it anymore. It disrupts our entire lives. Aaron can't handle the constant change. She causes mayhem whereever she goes.
On the bright side, she is a very good mother to Kade. I knew the moment I saw them together that she loved him with that "maternal love" that you either have or don't have. However, some days lately I don't see her being as nurturing as I would hope. It will come in time I pray.
I have beaten myself up a billion times for Taylor's young life so far. What did I do wrong? Was I too much of a friend and not enough of a mother? Was she constantly looking for someone to love because I divorced her dad? Did I want her to be popular so much to the point that I drove her to those behaviors? Did I give her too much, too often and not say no enough?
Bill told me once that I should feel comfortable in the fact that I tried EVERYTHING I could to try and help Taylor and keep her from going down this path. That is hard because as a mother I can't help but feel I didn't do enough. I will always blame myself for the way things have turned out. Even though I know deep down that Taylor is her own person and makes her own choices I can't help but feel like I failed her. I can't help but feel like there was at least one more thing I could have tried, one more lesson I could have taught that would have made her into the person I had hoped for.
Most of all I just hurt because I worked so hard to try to make a good life for her and she doesn't even care. I have accepted the fact that Taylor is selfish and immature, thinking only of herself and nothing I can do will change that now. I can only hold onto the hope that Kade will be enough to carry her out of the pit she has gotten herself into. Hopefully he will be enough to make her try. Only time will tell.
Most days I just wish I had the little girl back who would stretch her arms as wide as she could get them and say "Mommy, I love you THIS much". I want her back so I can try again. I want her back so I can save her.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
My Song for Aaron - (In My Arms - Plumb)
Your baby blues, so full of wonder
Your curly cues, your contagious smile
And as I watch, you start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash around
But you will be safe in my arms
Storybooks
Full of fairy tales
Of Kings and Queens
and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see
The truth from lies
When the clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash around
But you will be safe in my arms
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Cause I will always
Always love you.
Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash around
But you will be safe in my arms
Your curly cues, your contagious smile
And as I watch, you start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash around
But you will be safe in my arms
Storybooks
Full of fairy tales
Of Kings and Queens
and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see
The truth from lies
When the clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash around
But you will be safe in my arms
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Cause I will always
Always love you.
Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash around
But you will be safe in my arms
My Reason for Breathing
When I found out I was pregnant for the second time it came as quite the surprise. I was working at the Sheriff's Office but Tony (the ex) was in and out of jobs faster than a horny teenager after a girl. We were already struggling but I was overjoyed. The happiness soon turned into weariness because I had the pregnancy from HELL. If it could happen it happened. I was hospitalized four times for dehydration, I got mysterious rashes that had to be biopsied, they often couldn't find a heartbeat, I could go on and on and on. Towards the end of my pregnancy I found out that my OB-GYN lost her credintials at CMH where I planned on having the baby. She ended up leaving town due to a rape scandal at the hospital that she had knowledge of but did nothing about. I changed doctors and had exactly one visit before I went into labor. I had no idea how big my baby was, no idea if he was where he needed to be to get out, nothing. VERY stressful for a mom.
Well he came with no pain killers at 8 pounds, 4 ounces. He was SO big. I couldn't believe I had a baby that big. Taylor was only 6lb 12 ozs. I walked into the hospital, 9 months pregnant, at 140 lbs. That is 5 lbs less than I weigh now ( you can see why I am so depressed) so I wasn't exactly a large person. I have to admit - he wasn't the prettiest baby. In fact, he was red, wrinkled and lumpy. But I had waited forever for a little boy and I couldn't have been happier.
Around two years old I started noticing that things were a little different with Aaron. He had, to this point, reached all major milestones. But at two years old he started drooling profusely, wasn't talking, and didn't seem to be interested in much of anything except Star Wars movies. He also started throwing what I would call his "fits" over really strange things. Like bugs, butterflies, thunder, loud noises, crowds, etc. Potty training was just not happening. After he somehow miraculously unbuckled his carseat and jumped out of my moving vehicle (thank God we were moving slowly) at 2 1/2 because of a bug in the back window I decided to seek some help.
After lots of testing ( and I mean LOTS) Aaron was diagnosed at the University of Florida Shands Hospital as having PDD/NOS which translates into Pervasive Developmental Disorder/Not Otherwise Specified. It is in the Autistic Spectrum - meaning Aaron met certain criteria to be considered autistic-like, but not enough for the full blown diagnosis. He also has mild Cerebral Palsy which usually only shows up during very physical activities. The doctors have told me that at some point during my pregnancy Aaron went without oxygen for an unknown period of time.
So began years and years of Speech/Physical and Occupational Therapy, in and out of school. I would take Aaron twice a week to Shands for Speech and OT and then work the 3 - 11 shift at the Sheriff's Office. I would take him when I was on Mids. I would change shifts with co-workers so I wouldn't work days so I could take him up there, year after year. Aaron's speech was apraxic, which is hard to explain but words would come out sounding like gibberish, milk would sound like yook, etc. And the drooling, good Lord, the drooling. At the age of five doctors decided to remove his tonsils and adnoids to help with the problem. He wore a bib until he was almost five. When he concentrated it was worse because he would forget to swallow. We were constantly telling him to swallow because he just didn't remember to. He was finally potty trained at four. Everything was delayed. It ran about two years behind. He was in ESE pre-k from the age of three. At five we decided to hold him back from kindergarten one more year because he just wasn't ready. He couldn't tie his shoes. He didn't know his last name. The kids couldn't understand him when he talked, things like that.
Aaron has been a constant work in progress. Right around the age of three when I wanted to begin the testing, Aaron's dad decided his son wasn't going to go to a "shrink" as he put it. I told him if he wasn't going to be part of the solution, he was becoming part of the problem and to get the hell out. He (Tony) has never truly accepted the issues with Aaron and never will. After he re-married he dropped both kids like a bad habit. It is a sad situation that breaks my heart every time we have to deal with it.
But, back to Aaron. They said he was learning disabled (true). They said he would probably never talk well (false). They said he may never be able to be in mainstream classes (also false). After years of tireless work, Aaron is a freshman in high school and although all of his classes, minus one, are still ESE, he is on track for a regular high school diploma, not the special one that we were expecting all these years.
I cannot tell you enough about this child. He has the biggest heart in the world. He wants to work at PetSupermarket and live in a house behind Bill and I when he gets out of high school. We don't know yet if he will be able to drive but we are hopeful. He isn't quite there yet. He is slowly learning to count money. He still can' t spell his middle name, but hey, Chandler is a long word, you know? His life is video games. He loves dogs more than people and would bring home every one we see on the side of the road if I would let him. He LIVES Star Wars. Still. After 13 years. I don't think he will ever outgrow it. And he loves me more than anyone on this planet. He loves me unconditionally. Without judgement. Without questions. I am his life. He is my son. The one I waited so long for. And I wouldn't change a thing.
If everyone in the world worked as hard as my son, and loved as much as my son, there would be no war, no divorce, no poverty, no pain. Don't get me wrong, he is hyperactive, usually drives me up a wall and sometimes I want to strangle him. But underneath the behavior is the kindest, purest soul you will ever meet. A child who only wants approval and love, and will do anything to get it.
Aaron, my son, I thank God every day for you. You keep me sane. I love you, Mommy
Well he came with no pain killers at 8 pounds, 4 ounces. He was SO big. I couldn't believe I had a baby that big. Taylor was only 6lb 12 ozs. I walked into the hospital, 9 months pregnant, at 140 lbs. That is 5 lbs less than I weigh now ( you can see why I am so depressed) so I wasn't exactly a large person. I have to admit - he wasn't the prettiest baby. In fact, he was red, wrinkled and lumpy. But I had waited forever for a little boy and I couldn't have been happier.
Around two years old I started noticing that things were a little different with Aaron. He had, to this point, reached all major milestones. But at two years old he started drooling profusely, wasn't talking, and didn't seem to be interested in much of anything except Star Wars movies. He also started throwing what I would call his "fits" over really strange things. Like bugs, butterflies, thunder, loud noises, crowds, etc. Potty training was just not happening. After he somehow miraculously unbuckled his carseat and jumped out of my moving vehicle (thank God we were moving slowly) at 2 1/2 because of a bug in the back window I decided to seek some help.
After lots of testing ( and I mean LOTS) Aaron was diagnosed at the University of Florida Shands Hospital as having PDD/NOS which translates into Pervasive Developmental Disorder/Not Otherwise Specified. It is in the Autistic Spectrum - meaning Aaron met certain criteria to be considered autistic-like, but not enough for the full blown diagnosis. He also has mild Cerebral Palsy which usually only shows up during very physical activities. The doctors have told me that at some point during my pregnancy Aaron went without oxygen for an unknown period of time.
So began years and years of Speech/Physical and Occupational Therapy, in and out of school. I would take Aaron twice a week to Shands for Speech and OT and then work the 3 - 11 shift at the Sheriff's Office. I would take him when I was on Mids. I would change shifts with co-workers so I wouldn't work days so I could take him up there, year after year. Aaron's speech was apraxic, which is hard to explain but words would come out sounding like gibberish, milk would sound like yook, etc. And the drooling, good Lord, the drooling. At the age of five doctors decided to remove his tonsils and adnoids to help with the problem. He wore a bib until he was almost five. When he concentrated it was worse because he would forget to swallow. We were constantly telling him to swallow because he just didn't remember to. He was finally potty trained at four. Everything was delayed. It ran about two years behind. He was in ESE pre-k from the age of three. At five we decided to hold him back from kindergarten one more year because he just wasn't ready. He couldn't tie his shoes. He didn't know his last name. The kids couldn't understand him when he talked, things like that.
Aaron has been a constant work in progress. Right around the age of three when I wanted to begin the testing, Aaron's dad decided his son wasn't going to go to a "shrink" as he put it. I told him if he wasn't going to be part of the solution, he was becoming part of the problem and to get the hell out. He (Tony) has never truly accepted the issues with Aaron and never will. After he re-married he dropped both kids like a bad habit. It is a sad situation that breaks my heart every time we have to deal with it.
But, back to Aaron. They said he was learning disabled (true). They said he would probably never talk well (false). They said he may never be able to be in mainstream classes (also false). After years of tireless work, Aaron is a freshman in high school and although all of his classes, minus one, are still ESE, he is on track for a regular high school diploma, not the special one that we were expecting all these years.
I cannot tell you enough about this child. He has the biggest heart in the world. He wants to work at PetSupermarket and live in a house behind Bill and I when he gets out of high school. We don't know yet if he will be able to drive but we are hopeful. He isn't quite there yet. He is slowly learning to count money. He still can' t spell his middle name, but hey, Chandler is a long word, you know? His life is video games. He loves dogs more than people and would bring home every one we see on the side of the road if I would let him. He LIVES Star Wars. Still. After 13 years. I don't think he will ever outgrow it. And he loves me more than anyone on this planet. He loves me unconditionally. Without judgement. Without questions. I am his life. He is my son. The one I waited so long for. And I wouldn't change a thing.
If everyone in the world worked as hard as my son, and loved as much as my son, there would be no war, no divorce, no poverty, no pain. Don't get me wrong, he is hyperactive, usually drives me up a wall and sometimes I want to strangle him. But underneath the behavior is the kindest, purest soul you will ever meet. A child who only wants approval and love, and will do anything to get it.
Aaron, my son, I thank God every day for you. You keep me sane. I love you, Mommy
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
This is Me
Yeah I have my addictions
and keep my share of secrets
and things you'll never see
I get selfish and defensive
And pay too much attention
to my insecurities
Oh I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself
I don't know what you believe
or what you think of what you see
but this is a part of me
what I do and who I am
All my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
This is me
My heart breaks for the homeless
I worry about my parents
and all my bills are late
I'm dealing with the changes
This complicated Strangeness
Of seeing life this way
I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself
I laugh at silly movies
Tear up when I see babies
And I'm stubborn as a stone
I criticize my body
I wonder if I'm ready
To ever be alone
Oh I'm just like everybody else
I cry like everybody else
I firmly believe Faith Hill wrote this song for me. EVERY line fits. Every single one, minus the parents one because I don't have any. But regardless....I have never come across a song that more accurately describes me. I keep a wall up most of the time, acting silly, loud and carefree. I do have feelings however, lots of them and I guess I am going to use this blog to express them. You don't have to read if you don't want to. I am sure those who care enough about me will. Even if it isn't read by a single person, I think I will feel better. Which is the goal in the first place. :)
Ciao.
and keep my share of secrets
and things you'll never see
I get selfish and defensive
And pay too much attention
to my insecurities
Oh I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself
I don't know what you believe
or what you think of what you see
but this is a part of me
what I do and who I am
All my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
This is me
My heart breaks for the homeless
I worry about my parents
and all my bills are late
I'm dealing with the changes
This complicated Strangeness
Of seeing life this way
I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself
I laugh at silly movies
Tear up when I see babies
And I'm stubborn as a stone
I criticize my body
I wonder if I'm ready
To ever be alone
Oh I'm just like everybody else
I cry like everybody else
I firmly believe Faith Hill wrote this song for me. EVERY line fits. Every single one, minus the parents one because I don't have any. But regardless....I have never come across a song that more accurately describes me. I keep a wall up most of the time, acting silly, loud and carefree. I do have feelings however, lots of them and I guess I am going to use this blog to express them. You don't have to read if you don't want to. I am sure those who care enough about me will. Even if it isn't read by a single person, I think I will feel better. Which is the goal in the first place. :)
Ciao.
First Posting 11/9/10
A friend gave me the idea to start blogging. I have always liked to write and have been holding LOTS of emotions in lately, SO, what better way to get them out, right?
I don't really know what I am doing or what I will write about but I'm going to give it a shot. The first thing I will have to learn is how to write properly again and not use "text" shorthand. I have gotten really bad about that lately.
I'm 39, divorced, two children, and a grandmother WAY too soon. I feel like I failed to raise my daughter properly and she had a baby at the age of 17. I am hoping I do better with my son, who is mentally delayed. It is a work in progress. I am getting some help from my boyfriend, but that is an entire other blog waiting to happen.
I have medical issues that I know my friends get extremely tired of hearing about. Now, when people ask, I try to say "I'm ok", hoping they will leave it alone. If they delve further, it makes me feel like I am whining and I know they end up wishing they hadn't asked. Its to the point where I wish everyone would just leave me alone. On the home front its even worse. While I get plenty of sympathy, I know that after so long it gets old. I know it is horrible to say, but I wish for just one or two hours he could feel how I feel so he would know what I was talking about. Then he would understand. Some days I cry everytime I am alone. I hurt so bad some days I can't stand to walk. I take so many pills it would scare anyone, including my doctors. I am cutting back which is bringing on severe depression. I just called the doctor this morning to get some help. I feel very close to losing it, and for a person who is mostly upbeat, that is not a good thing. Not good AT ALL. When I am not taking pills I am drinking to dull the pain. Does that sound like a good combination? I didn't think so.
The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that my body seems to be falling apart and I am helpless to stop it. I was diagnosed with inflammatory arthritis. I don't know if you have seen pictures of little old ladies at 70 but their hands don't look so great. It affects your hands, hips, shoulders, elbows, knees, ankles. Basically all major joints. Add to that the fibromyalgia I already had and basically I am screwed. It is a constant battle of getting the right medications to handle inflammation and pain while not gaining 30 pounds or being high all the time. Here I am, a woman who NEVER acts her age, loves to dance, ride four wheelers, swim and ride bikes and I am lucky if I can walk up a flight of stairs these days to get to my office. I had two neck surgeries that I probably never needed which makes matter worse... I just want my old life back, where I could ride all day long on the four wheeler and still walk the next day. I want to be able to hold my grandson and not hurt so bad I have to have someone beside me to make sure I lose all my strength. I want to be able to lift weights like I used to and feel that ache - the good ache when you know you have accomplished something.. And, of course, more than anything I want my old body back. I am one of those people who would work out two hours a day if needed, but I CAN'T and it pisses me off... It's a lifetime chronic sentence to be miserable. How am I going to do this for the next 30 years or so???? And why would I want to?
And we aren't even going to talk about the sex life.. Don't worry its still there. :) But I pay dearly for it.. But some things are just worth it, you know?
That's enough for now. Today is a down day because it's so freaking cold outside and I feel like shit. My next blog will be better. Hopefully..Welcome to my life...
I don't really know what I am doing or what I will write about but I'm going to give it a shot. The first thing I will have to learn is how to write properly again and not use "text" shorthand. I have gotten really bad about that lately.
I'm 39, divorced, two children, and a grandmother WAY too soon. I feel like I failed to raise my daughter properly and she had a baby at the age of 17. I am hoping I do better with my son, who is mentally delayed. It is a work in progress. I am getting some help from my boyfriend, but that is an entire other blog waiting to happen.
I have medical issues that I know my friends get extremely tired of hearing about. Now, when people ask, I try to say "I'm ok", hoping they will leave it alone. If they delve further, it makes me feel like I am whining and I know they end up wishing they hadn't asked. Its to the point where I wish everyone would just leave me alone. On the home front its even worse. While I get plenty of sympathy, I know that after so long it gets old. I know it is horrible to say, but I wish for just one or two hours he could feel how I feel so he would know what I was talking about. Then he would understand. Some days I cry everytime I am alone. I hurt so bad some days I can't stand to walk. I take so many pills it would scare anyone, including my doctors. I am cutting back which is bringing on severe depression. I just called the doctor this morning to get some help. I feel very close to losing it, and for a person who is mostly upbeat, that is not a good thing. Not good AT ALL. When I am not taking pills I am drinking to dull the pain. Does that sound like a good combination? I didn't think so.
The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that my body seems to be falling apart and I am helpless to stop it. I was diagnosed with inflammatory arthritis. I don't know if you have seen pictures of little old ladies at 70 but their hands don't look so great. It affects your hands, hips, shoulders, elbows, knees, ankles. Basically all major joints. Add to that the fibromyalgia I already had and basically I am screwed. It is a constant battle of getting the right medications to handle inflammation and pain while not gaining 30 pounds or being high all the time. Here I am, a woman who NEVER acts her age, loves to dance, ride four wheelers, swim and ride bikes and I am lucky if I can walk up a flight of stairs these days to get to my office. I had two neck surgeries that I probably never needed which makes matter worse... I just want my old life back, where I could ride all day long on the four wheeler and still walk the next day. I want to be able to hold my grandson and not hurt so bad I have to have someone beside me to make sure I lose all my strength. I want to be able to lift weights like I used to and feel that ache - the good ache when you know you have accomplished something.. And, of course, more than anything I want my old body back. I am one of those people who would work out two hours a day if needed, but I CAN'T and it pisses me off... It's a lifetime chronic sentence to be miserable. How am I going to do this for the next 30 years or so???? And why would I want to?
And we aren't even going to talk about the sex life.. Don't worry its still there. :) But I pay dearly for it.. But some things are just worth it, you know?
That's enough for now. Today is a down day because it's so freaking cold outside and I feel like shit. My next blog will be better. Hopefully..Welcome to my life...
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