By the Way

Is Anyone Reading My Blog??????

My health

I am only 39 years old. I still consider that to be fairly young. More than likely it is because I am praying I live to be very, very old. Plus, I am just starting my life with Bill and I want to make sure I have lots and lots of years to spend with him, even though we seem to be clashing lately.

I went to the doctor on Monday to get the results of all the bloodwork and x-rays I had done. I have been having some significant problems (in addition to my neck) and was very hopeful that I would get some answers. Well I got what I asked for.

Dr. Faith ( my rheumatologist) went over all the test results with me. I have inflammatory arthritis in my hands and feet. Significant arthritis showed up on the xrays. She told me she also saw some in the area of my hips/back. She believes it may be tied to my chrohn's disease. She said it is common for people with chrohns to develop IA. Great. Just another added problem. She started me on a sulfa medicine that will help the arthritis and also help with the chrohns. I have been having some problems lately and she said my white blood cell count is up so I am thinking my chrohns may be flaring a bit.

While I was at the doctor they took my BP five times because it was so high. Now I have to monitor it for a few days and then go see my family doctor because I may need blood pressure meds as well.

My question is "when will it end"? I feel like a hypochondriac except all of my problems are real. I get SO tired of explaing my issues to people and I find myself having to mentally stop myself from complaining all the time. I am quite sure I get on everyone's nerves. It would get on my nerves if the roles were reversed.

Don't get me wrong - I am completely aware that it could be a million times worse. One of my closest friends has stage 4 cancer and I see her struggling every day. I am so thankful I don't have anything like that to deal with. I do, however, hurt every morning, afternoon and night. My conditions are chronic and can't be cured which means I have this to look forward to for the rest of my life.

I hope the doctors have me on the right medicines to battle the issues. They really seem to know what they are doing. I am definitely at work more now than I have been in the past year. That is a good sign. I simply must work - going out on disability just isn't an option right now. Plus, like I said, I am 39 years old. I refuse to give in to this crap. I am going to find a way to deal with it so I can get my strength back at least a little bit.

Hopefully my body will cooperate. Only time will tell. But I will keep trying. I will not give up. I will succeed.
I have to...

Time Bomb

Taylor has been off medicine for about a month now. I knew as soon as she was gone from home for any length of time she would stop taking care of herself. Unfortunately, I was right.

She isn't eating, isn't sleeping, and refuses to go to the doctor to get her medicine. I can't force her to do it so I just have to sit back and watch her life unravel. And it is doing so, little by little, day by day. She went to the ER yesterday for a headache she has had for three days. She is in bed with it again today. She has called me about five times and during each one she has picked a fight with me. She keeps looking for a fight. She wants to go to the doctor but she has no car, no one to watch Kade, no money, etc. EVERY possible solution I give her she shoots down. It's like she wants to be miserable and isn't happy unless she has something to complain about.

I don't know what to do. I know she needs to take anti-depressants. She knows it too she just doesn't want to admit it. She acts completely irrational when she isn't taking them. Everything anyone says to her gets twisted around and she picks a fight.

She called a little while ago and asked me to talk to Kade. She does that quite often because hearing my voice calms him down when he is tired or cranky or just wants to talk to his Nonna. After I talked to him today, however, he started crying really hard. I asked her what was wrong with him and she said "I pushed him out of the way" .  I couldn't believe what I had heard. I instantly began to scold her and try to explain to her that you just don't do that to a baby. All the while, I hear my precious, angelic grandson crying like his heart is broken in the background. I asked her if she was picking him up "no".  I asked if she was going to "no".  At this point I am on the verge of losing it myself. She finally says something like she can't hear and hangs up the phone. I sit at my desk feeling completely stunned. Did that really just happen? Did she actually do something that heartless to that precious child just because she was in a pissy mood? I am sure she didn't hurt him, she just made him angry, but still. You just can't do that to a baby and expect good results.

I know I lost my temper with my kids when they were little but I don't believe I was ever MEAN to them, at least not when they were as young as Kade. I have been worrying about him all afternoon. I can't help but worry about what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. Is her behavior going to get even more erratic and unpredictable? Is she going to make Kade miserable too? I am so afraid  this beautiful, happy child who laughs, giggles and grins all of the time is going to turn into a bitter, resentful young boy if she continues on this path.

There is no talking to her when she is in these dark moods either. I just don't know what to do at this point. I am going to beg for Kade this weekend. She needs a break to get herself in order. Something has to change.

Please pray for Taylor and Kade. They need it alot.

My Dilemma

Taylor asked me several months ago if I would watch Kade the weekend of December 11th and 12th because she and Ethan were going out of town for some "redneck function". Of course I jumped at the chance. Well, because of all the drama that trip has been cancelled. I asked Taylor if I could still get Kade on the 11th because it is the Citrus Christmas Parade and I thought it would be awesome and fun to have Kade there for Aaron's first parade. Do you know what Taylor's response was? "Well Ethan and I would want to be there too because it's Kades first parade!".

First of all, Kade doesn't know its his first parade and he isn't going to remember it as such. Second, is she telling me that I can watch Kade but only if I don't do anything with him that she hasn't approved of? It's like I can only watch him if I sit at home and don't do anything fun. That just isn't going to work for me. I plan on having fun with my grandson - taking him to the zoo, Disney, Orlando, etc. I know I will be able to offer him things she isn't going to be able to and I would hope she appreciates that. Instead I get the feeling she is going to resent it. Because of her immaturity she is going to get jealous instead of looking at it as opportunities for her son to experience new things. I would be more than willing for her to go as well but there is no way in hell Ethan will be joining us. I don't do the roller coaster with him like she does. He is a piece of shit and he isn't going to be in my good graces EVER!!!

So - this is the issue I am now facing. How do I talk to Taylor about this without pissing her off and making her feel like she is being selfish?

The drama continues........

Give and Take

I was single for a LONG time. When I say a long time, I am talking approximately eight years or so. After I got divorced I just didn't want someone interfering with my kids when they were so young. Plus, I think there was a part of me that was already interested in William ( I had met him while I was still married) and I think I was subconciously waiting on him. He was always kind of in the picture, giving me advice, lending a hand, being my friend. We have always been close. Everyone always assumed we were a couple long before we actually were. It's strange how that happened. We kind of just ended up together. No one was really surprised. Some couples are just meant to be. But, I digress.

I was on my own for a long time, therefore I am used to doing things my way. Having a man in the picture now is a HUGE adjustment for me. I am not used to having to compromise or give in to someone else's desires or needs. To tell you the truth I'm not very good at it. In the beginning I downright sucked at it. I wanted everything my way. I wasn't willing to bend. Bill was the same way. It made life quite difficult for a while. Eventually we realized if we were going to have a successful relationship we had to practice some give and take. I met him halfway on the things that were most important to him and he did the same for me. So far its working ( knock on wood here). We still have occassional flare-ups but overall things are running pretty smoothly.

Our biggest issue is the children. I baby my kids, he babies his son. Neither one of us is wiling to admit that however. We spoil the mess out of them and then accuse each other of doing so, acting like we don't do the same thing. But, overall it is working out okay. It's a constant work in progress.

I don't think I would like being on my own again now that I have William. He makes me a better person. I don't want to sound cheesy but he pretty much completes me. He keeps me grounded and focused and, most days anyway, out of trouble. We couldn't be more different from each other but for some reason it works. They weren't kidding when they said opposites attract.

Life is all about give and take. If you want things bad enough you have to learn how to do that. I am learning more and more every day. I am a better person for it too!