Taylor

I know people say all babies are cute and precious when they are born. This is not entirely true. When Aaron was born, he was red, blotchy and wrinkly. He had to grow into his cuteness. Taylor, on the other hand, was perfect from the very beginning.

Taylor was blessed with dark Italian skin coloring, a head full of jet black hair and perfect features. She was so pretty it hurt to look at her. As she got older it became even more evident that she was going to be gorgeous when she grew up. More importantly was the fact that along with being beautiful on the outside, she was beautiful on the inside as well. She was an adorable baby. EXTREMELY intelligent. She wasn't even 24 hours old, still in the hospital, and I was holding her on my chest when she raised her head completely off my chest and looked me dead in the eyes. My mother and I just looked at her in awe. She told me then that Taylor was going to be an "overly intelligent child". I thought she was just a proud grandma.

Taylor did EVERYTHING early. She never crawled but was walking at 8 1/2 months. Yes, I said 8 1/2 months. I'm not talking a few steps, I'm talking WALKING. At 18 months she was talking in complete sentences. It was very obvious to everyone who knew her that she was above average. She excelled in elementary school getting honor roll constantly, receiving good behavior and leadership awards. I could go on and on. I will never forget one morning when she was around 7 or 8. I was brushing my teeth and had left the water on. She told me in her "matter-of-fact" tone that you are supposed to turn the water off while you brush so you don't waste water. That is the kind of kid she was.

The most amazing thing about Taylor at that age was the way she related to her brother. When Aaron was three years old there were two people on the planet that could understand what he was saying. Myself and Taylor. Quite often, she was interpreting for me. She went with me to Shands every chance she got. She was my second pair of hands, eyes and ears. I realize now that I relied too heavily on a small child to help me when I needed an adult's helping hand.

She went through that awkward stage where NO ONE looks good I don't care how good your genes are. In 7th grade though, things started to straighten out for her. She decided to be a cheerleader. She was already playing softball and was doing quite well so she made the squad easily. Over the next year and a half Taylor started changing. The boys were noticing her. A LOT. She seemed to thrive on the attention. I was constantly in the process of checking up on Taylor. Her grades started to slip. My honor roll student went to C's and D's and a couple of F's. She didn't have the grades to make the squad for 8th grade. The school decided to let her cheer anyway even though she didn't have the 2.0 average. I realize today that this incident would prove to be the pivotal point in Taylor's life. When I should have said no to cheerleading, I let her be on the squad for 8th grade anyway. I basically told her cheering was more important than her grades.

She started high school and immediately problems started. If you can think of it, we went through it and then some. Sneaking boys in the house, drinking, lying, popping pills, smoking, EVERYTHING. The next three years would be a constant battle of trying to keep her head above water. She would do great for several months and then backslide right back down again.

By the second semester of Taylor's junior year she had ruined her reputation at Citrus High and was completely out of control. I decided to change her school, moving her in with my ex-Sister in Law during the week so she could attend Sumter High. It seemed to be a good choice even though it was the hardest one I ever made. She made straight A's, stayed out of trouble and actually made progress towards rebuilding her life. However, as always, she had a constant boyfriend. Taylor NEVER was without a boyfriend. It seemed like an incessant need that she possess one at all times. Even if she cheated on them, hated them, treated them badly, or vice versa, Taylor HAD to have a boyfriend. Sumter was no different.

The summer before her Senior year Taylor went on her first date in 6 months. Five weeks later I caught her IM'ing Bill's son that she was pregnant. ONE DATE. SIX MONTHS. She hadn't been without adult supervision (and I am NOT exaggerating) except for one time and she ends up pregnant.

Kade Aaron DeMaio was born on March 12, 2010. His dad Ethan, up to this point, had been in and out of the picture so many times he was a non-issue. I just knew that having Kade would change Taylor back to the little girl I remembered. The child who did the right thing for the right reason without having to be told. The child who followed the rules. Although completely devestated that my 17yoa daughter was having a baby, I also looked at it as her possible salvation from a life of mahem.

The minute she turned 18 she moved in with Ethan. Four weeks later she called me on a Monday to tell me that wedding invitations were in the mail. I was heartbroken. I had no involvement in the wedding and could do nothing to talk her out of it. She would call me crying that it wasn't what she wanted but she wouldn't listen to me when I asked her to come home. Since she got married on June 12, 2010 Taylor has been back home four times with the intent of getting a divorce. Her marriage is horrible yet she keeps going back. She will probably do this for years. This last time I told her was the last time. Bill won't have it anymore. It disrupts our entire lives. Aaron can't handle the constant change. She causes mayhem whereever she goes.

On the bright side, she is a very good mother to Kade. I knew the moment I saw them together that she loved him with that "maternal love" that you either have or don't have. However, some days lately I don't see her being as nurturing as I would hope. It will come in time I pray.

I have beaten myself up a billion times for Taylor's young life so far. What did I do wrong? Was I too much of a friend and not enough of a mother? Was she constantly looking for someone to love because I divorced her dad? Did I want her to be popular so much to the point that I drove her to those behaviors? Did I give her too much, too often and not say no enough?

Bill told me once that I should feel comfortable in the fact that I tried EVERYTHING I could to try and help Taylor and keep her from going down this path. That is hard because as a mother I can't help but feel I didn't do enough. I will always blame myself for the way things have turned out. Even though I know deep down that Taylor is her own person and makes her own choices I can't help but feel like I failed her. I can't help but feel like there was at least one more thing I could have tried, one more lesson I could have taught that would have made her into the person I had hoped for.

Most of all I just hurt because I worked so hard to try to make a good life for her and she doesn't even care. I have accepted the fact that Taylor is selfish and immature, thinking only of herself and nothing I can do will change that now. I can only hold onto the hope that Kade will be enough to carry her out of the pit she has gotten herself into. Hopefully he will be enough to make her try. Only time will tell.

Most days I just wish I had the little girl back who would stretch her arms as wide as she could get them and say "Mommy, I love you THIS much". I want her back so I can try again. I want her back so I can save her.