A friend gave me the idea to start blogging. I have always liked to write and have been holding LOTS of emotions in lately, SO, what better way to get them out, right?
I don't really know what I am doing or what I will write about but I'm going to give it a shot. The first thing I will have to learn is how to write properly again and not use "text" shorthand. I have gotten really bad about that lately.
I'm 39, divorced, two children, and a grandmother WAY too soon. I feel like I failed to raise my daughter properly and she had a baby at the age of 17. I am hoping I do better with my son, who is mentally delayed. It is a work in progress. I am getting some help from my boyfriend, but that is an entire other blog waiting to happen.
I have medical issues that I know my friends get extremely tired of hearing about. Now, when people ask, I try to say "I'm ok", hoping they will leave it alone. If they delve further, it makes me feel like I am whining and I know they end up wishing they hadn't asked. Its to the point where I wish everyone would just leave me alone. On the home front its even worse. While I get plenty of sympathy, I know that after so long it gets old. I know it is horrible to say, but I wish for just one or two hours he could feel how I feel so he would know what I was talking about. Then he would understand. Some days I cry everytime I am alone. I hurt so bad some days I can't stand to walk. I take so many pills it would scare anyone, including my doctors. I am cutting back which is bringing on severe depression. I just called the doctor this morning to get some help. I feel very close to losing it, and for a person who is mostly upbeat, that is not a good thing. Not good AT ALL. When I am not taking pills I am drinking to dull the pain. Does that sound like a good combination? I didn't think so.
The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that my body seems to be falling apart and I am helpless to stop it. I was diagnosed with inflammatory arthritis. I don't know if you have seen pictures of little old ladies at 70 but their hands don't look so great. It affects your hands, hips, shoulders, elbows, knees, ankles. Basically all major joints. Add to that the fibromyalgia I already had and basically I am screwed. It is a constant battle of getting the right medications to handle inflammation and pain while not gaining 30 pounds or being high all the time. Here I am, a woman who NEVER acts her age, loves to dance, ride four wheelers, swim and ride bikes and I am lucky if I can walk up a flight of stairs these days to get to my office. I had two neck surgeries that I probably never needed which makes matter worse... I just want my old life back, where I could ride all day long on the four wheeler and still walk the next day. I want to be able to hold my grandson and not hurt so bad I have to have someone beside me to make sure I lose all my strength. I want to be able to lift weights like I used to and feel that ache - the good ache when you know you have accomplished something.. And, of course, more than anything I want my old body back. I am one of those people who would work out two hours a day if needed, but I CAN'T and it pisses me off... It's a lifetime chronic sentence to be miserable. How am I going to do this for the next 30 years or so???? And why would I want to?
And we aren't even going to talk about the sex life.. Don't worry its still there. :) But I pay dearly for it.. But some things are just worth it, you know?
That's enough for now. Today is a down day because it's so freaking cold outside and I feel like shit. My next blog will be better. Hopefully..Welcome to my life...
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